Key events
17th over: New Zealand 47-1 (Latham 27, Nicholls 11) Tongue blots his copybook with the final ball of his over, too short, too wide and Nicholls throws his hands at it, up and over backward point for four.
16th over: New Zealand 42-1 (Latham 26, Nicholls 7) New Zealand are accumulating nicely now, seven runs pocketed off Baker’s third. Can’t wait til he’s bowled 12 overs and I can dust off the gag to end all gags.
15th over: New Zealand 35-1 (Latham 19, Nicholls 7) Nasty. Tongue slams down a sharp bouncer at 88mph and Latham does well to sway out of the way.
“Cricket may be a religion for some of us, but we don’t officially use the term ‘canons’ as there are no clerics involved.” Writes John Starbuck. “‘Cannons’ is what you were meaning.”
I stand corrected… said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
14th over: New Zealand 31-1 (Latham 18, Nicholls 4) Latham and Nicholls pinch four runs off Sonny Baker. The sun is beating down now in South London, if New Zealand can negotiate the next hour or so then there are plenty or runs to be scored on this track.
“In light of their disciplinary troubles, have England deliberately gone for more a workman-like attack with a Baker an Archer and a Fisher?” asks Daniel Wilson.
Girds loinded for Henry Candlestick-Maker to make his debut against Pakistan in August.
13th over: New Zealand 27-1 (Latham 15, Nicholls 3) Tongue continues, he strays too straight and Latham pings off his pads for four through the leg side. Latham leaves the next and it canons into his pad, a big appeal from Tongue and the cordon but it was going over and England wisely choose not to review.
Time for our first hydration break of the Test match.
12th over: New Zealand 22-1 (Latham 10, Nicholls 3) Baker’s 90s boyband curtains bounce on his for’ead as he bounds in from the Vauxhall End. Close! That’s a beauty from the youngster, he gets one to pitch and move away late at decent pace, 86mph says the speedo. He beats Nicholls. And again! Baker settling into Test cricket much quicker than he did with the white ball last summer. There’s half an appeal for a caught and bowled off Nicholls but the ball only took thigh pad. Has Nicholls tickled the next ball down the leg side?! England think so and send it upstairs… no dice. Sonny Baker will have to wait for his first Test wicket. Eventful first over though, he can put a positive start down in his oft-mentioned notebook later on.
11th over: New Zealand 21-1 (Latham 9, Nicholls 3) Tongue goes around the wicket and is picked off for a single into the legs side by both Latham and Nicholls. Sonny Baker is going to have his first bowl in Test cricket, deep breaths son!
10th over: New Zealand 19-1 (Latham 8, Nicholls 2) Fisher has been probing and accurate so far this morning on his home ground, he’s around 84mph so quick enough. He nearly has his second with a full ball that scuds into Latham’s front pad but once again it was heading leg side with the angle. Fisher’s third maiden. Tidy.
9th over: New Zealand 19-1 (Latham 8, Nicholls 2) Tongue bustles in around the wicket, he’s back of a length and tucked away off the hip by Nicholls. Tongue is such a likeable bloke and thoroughly exciting bowler. He cranks his speed up into the 90s and has an appeal for an LBW off his final ball to Latham… but it was sliding down.
8th over: New Zealand 17-1 (Latham 8, Nicholls 0) Fisher peels off his second maiden. Josh Tongue is warming up. Remember:
“It’s Tongue as in T-U-N-G, not Tongue like T-O-N-G! What is that? TONG?”
7th over: New Zealand 17-1 (Latham 8, Nicholls 0) Archer beats Latham with a zipper that flies past the shoulder of a poked blade. A neat push into the covers brings three for the Kiwi skipper.
6th over: New Zealand 14-1 (Latham 5, Nicholls 0) Henry Nicholls joins Latham. Poor old Devon Conway, his long haul return results in an innocuous glove down the leg side and a single figure departure.
WICKET! Devon Conway c Rew b Fisher 9 (New Zealand 14-1)
Conway is strangled down the leg side. Jimmy Rew gets his gloves on an early catch and Matt Fisher has his second Test wicket.
5th over: New Zealand 9-0 (Latham 3, Conway 6) Archer reels off a maiden but Latham is happy to let plenty go outside off stump.
“Was Cicero pondering Joe Root when he wrote: ‘It is not by muscle, speed, or physical dexterity that great things are achieved, but by reflection, force of character, and judgment’
Anyway – I have day 3 tickets, so what’s your prediction for the state of play by then?”
Let me consult the runes, Robert Hill.
4th over: New Zealand 12-0 (Latham 4, Conway 8) Latham and Conway tuck a too straight Fisher into the leg side. Three runs off the over. I’m sat next to the liquid tongued new host of the Wisden podcast and soon to be OBO debutant Cameron Ponsonby. He leans in coquettishly and whispers… a quite remarkable stat about Jofra Archer’s first over.
The average speed of it was 144.7kph (89.9mph) – the fastest any England bowler has bowled in the first over of a Test since records began in 2006. It’s also the fastest first over of a Test in England in that time.
Wheels.
3rd over: New Zealand 9-0 (Latham 3, Conway 6) Archer cranks his speeds into the 90s. A trumpeter toots and the crowd cheers. It is so nice to watch some cricket. Conway edges behind sketchily for two and there’s an appeal as the ball nips past the shoulder of his blade next ball. Close but no Cuban. Conway flays outside off again and gets four.
“STOP GETTING THE NATIONAL WRONG!” Emails Stephen Downing.
“Tired and blue blazered, fill yourself with… pound coins” is a lyric from Mistaken for Strangers not Apartment Story.
What can I say, I’m a stranger to myself, Steve. Sorry.
2nd over: New Zealand 3-0 (Latham 3, Conway 0) Here comes Matt Fisher from the Vauxhall End, his first bowl in Test cricket since Root’s last Test in charge four years ago in the Caribbean. He gets some immediate movement back in and finds his groove immediately, a maiden to start.
1st over: New Zealand 3-0 (Latham 3, Conway 0) Archer runs in from the Pavilion End, liquid smooth action and a back of a length ball that is clipped away neatly by Tom Latham for a couple into the leg side. New Zealand are up and running. Three slips and a gully for Archer. Penny for James Rew’s thoughts keeping to Jofra for the first time, on his Test debut.
Archer gets some zip and shape away. Latham takes a quick single to midwicket. Devon Conway on strike, he’s had some week too – he flew home to NZ to be at the birth of his new baby and then back again, he’s out there in the middle now facing nigh on 90mph. He plays and misses his first ball outside off. Well of course he does.
Peter Butler knows his Camus from his erm Cicero.
“Albert Camus also famously said, “All that I know most surely about morality and obligations I owe to football”. Which is why he never had a problem going on the piss after midnight.”
Arf.
The anthems are dusted off rousingly. Joe Root leads out England for the first time in four years. Bright sunshine here at the Oval and a bit muggy, Jofra Archer is going to start off with the ball. Let’s play!
“Hi James. Thanks for the Camus piece.” I wouldn’t call it a Camus piece per se, Peter Salmon. Don’t want to get the Philosophy crowd’s hopes up…
“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion” might also suit Stokes…
Root back as captain though, does feel like normal service resumed. My favourite detail of the ‘blazer in the garage’ story is that he had 30 team sheets in the pockets. I had no idea this still happens at international level. That simple joy of tearing off one of the serrated sheets at the back of the scorebook, filling it in (first initial if you can’t remember their name) and handing it to the opposite number – love that captains at this level still get to do it. Presumably they also still have to phone around on the day before the match to check everyone is still available, and to organise lifts? “Jamie’s wife’s gone into labour, but James Rew is available and has a van, so can take six…”
Love this.
Nick Wiltsher has my back. I wouldn’t mess with him…
“Dear James, I really don’t understand why people feel they need to email you to ask for this. It’s not some esoteric mystery. Here’s how to find it: go to the BBC’s live coverage page. The link is prominently displayed in the sidebar on the left.
For those who inexplicably cannot manage that simple bit of navigations, here it is:
https://www.youtube.com/live/TqXhD0hxPfk
Though if they can’t do the first thing, I wonder how on earth they’ll manage clicking on a link…”
That’s you told!
The stumps are being put in place and there’s blue skies above. We’ll have some actual cricket in about ten minutes.
A follower who wishes to remain incognito “I’m following on the sly…” gets in touch. I dare say you won’t be the only one A.Nonymous.
“Hi James, looking forward to an excellent Test and following the OBO. Is this the lowest number of combined letters in the England XI surnames since the Flower XI with Bell, Root, Cook, Trott etc (No wonder Pietersen felt left out)? Surely an indication that supremacy is once again due?”
I’m going to say yes and leave it at that.
Chris Lintott is in Paris and needs furnishing…
“Looking forward to this as a Somerset fan who has enjoyed the rise of Rew (and we’ll claim the very likeable cricket badger Baker too). Unfortunately I find myself in a shared office in the suburbs of Paris. Anyone got the overseas TMS link?”
England win the toss and choose to bowl first
If the blazer fits… Joe Root tosses the coin and Tom Latham calls… incorrectly. A cheer goes up around the Oval as Root confirms he’s going to unleash his green pace attack.
“I want to make first use of this surface. I think it’s a great opportunity for our attack to get out there and carry on the great work we did last week” he says.
“It’s probably a bit tighter than it was!” he says of the blazer.
“Tired and blue blazered, fill yourself with… pound coins”
There has of course been all sorts written about ‘the situation’ in the last week. Some good, some bad and some downright ludicrous.
I tried to articulate my own thoughts here. By way of Albert Camus. I know. La-di-dah.
There’s a funny bit at the end of the 2022 Ben Stokes documentary Phoenix From The Ashes where host and self-confessed cricket obsessive Sam Mendes quotes Albert Camus to a nonplussed Stokes.
After a confusing but good-natured knockabout on some tatty astroturf on the outfield, both men stand on the balcony of Stokes’ boyhood club, Cockermouth CC, as Mendes paraphrases the Nobel Prize-winning philosopher. Pre-empting the quote by explaining to Stokes that it is one that he himself has found meaningful in the context of a life spent writing and directing film and theatre.
‘A man’s work is nothing but the slow trek to rediscover those one or two great and simple images in whose presence his heart first opened.’
Stokes stares at Mendes for a second, and then with perfect timing punctures the lofty atmosphere that has momentarily descended.
‘I’ve got no idea what you just said,’ he says with a small smile. ‘Cut that.’”
The sun is out now at the Oval, we’ll have the toss in ten minutes.
Just enough time to read this from Andy Bull, the piece to read on the Stokes farrago for mine.
The problem here isn’t so much that Stokes broke a curfew. It’s that to begin with, England’s management decided to set one. This Cinderella rule was brought in so they could be seen to be doing something after their own bad management during England’s winter tour, in particular their failed attempt to cover up that situation with Brook, and their decision to send the players away for four nights of rest and recuperation in Noosa, a place best known for its beach, bars, and craft beer scene. This England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) regime may be the first in history whose biggest failing seems to have been that they could organise a piss-up in a brewery.”
“Shout out to Sky” emails a B Murdoch emails John Plunkett. “Surely the first time the same player has got the most caps, most runs, most wickets and most catches in the same team. Guess three out of four on a fair few occasions, but maybe never the full house?
Also has one player ever had so many caps compared to the other 10 players?”
Remarkable isn’t it? Fancy another cortex tickler? Joe Root is the only player playing in this Test match who played in the first Test under McCullum back in 2022.
I interviewed Joe before the first Test. Pure class.
Another exciting debutant in this match is Sonny Baker. England have been comparing his speed through the air to Mark Wood, I see a certain amount of Darren Gough in him too, not least in his ebullient, almost puppyish enthusiasm for bowling.
Taha did a nice interview with him a while back:
“What does Rehan Ahmed need to do to get in this team?” ask Ian Batch. “I thought he’d be an ideal replacement for Stokes. Instead, we’re playing a specialist batsman at 7? Why pick Bashir at Lord’s but no spinner here when the Oval has been flat this year?
I get it’s been a chaotic mess since Lord’s but Baz/captain selections to me have been baffling since he took over. Anyway, here’s hoping we get 5 good days of cricket. I’ve optimistically bought a day 3 ticket, madness!”
They definitely like Rehan and I fancy we might see him later in the summer on a drier wicket. Surrey have’t been playing a spinner here at the Oval and despite the weather being set to heat up England want to bolster their batting and feel like they can get overs of spin out of Root and Bethell.
Jordan Cox is a hugely exciting talent to have coming in at seven, he’s in electric knick too.
Hard to know how to feel after the last week but despite everything that has happened there is a real buzz at the Oval, debutants always have that effect and England have three of them. They are also fielding their most inexperienced bowling attack for two decades.
Joe Root is out in the middle with his pads on chatting away to Michael Vaughan and Brendon McCullum. He spoke really well yesterday:
The slightly annoying news is that it has been mizzling here in South London and the covers were all the way across the square when I arrived half an hour ago. The tentatively better news is that it is brightening up and the groundstaff are dragging off the tarpaulins as I type. We should still get the toss in about fifteen minutes.
Scratch that, the man on the tannoy announces that the toss has been delayed until 11am.
Preamble
James Wallace
Gus Atkinson flattened… Matt Henry’s middle stump. Lord’s witnesses England’s first Test win since the crapshoot in Melbourne just after Christmas. Is this another reset? Maybe, maybe not. There’s a nagging feeling it is more a re-emphasis of the end. The following day the text comes though, Stokes and Atkinson, drinks taken, curfew broken, punches thrown. Shock, confusion, despair. Both men dropped. Investigation pending. Cricket regulator, rugby players, Rex Rooms. Stokes sacked? Stokes retired? Stokes silent. Rob Key talks, Stokes not backed, prohibition mooted. Harry Brook as captain? After Wellington? Not likely. Joe Root digs his old blazer out of the garage. It’s crumpled but still fits. Of course it is Rooty, there’ll always be Rooty, won’t there? McCullum speaks, he’s worried about Ben. We all are. Come on. We can’t lose Stokes, over this? We still might lose Stokes over this. Ollie Robinson scan, Ollie Robinson out. Injured again. Bad luck or bad conditioning. Or both? Kane Williamson retires? Not now Kane! Well played Kane. A World Cup starts. Not that one. Edgbaston, are they… singing witches? Why not. A win and a Wyatt-Hodge ton. Distraction from the distraction. Then back. Jofra back, Matthew Fisher back. Debuts for Sonny Baker and Jordan Cox. Jamie Smith swaps his gloves for nappies. Debut for James Rew. Five changes, three debutants. New captain, old captain. 1-0. Remember? The Oval. Deep breath. On we go.
Welcome to the fever dream that is English cricket.
Welcome to the Guardian’s OBO. Play begins at 11am.
Wonder what we’ll talk about until then?
