JENNIFER MILLS, BYLINE: The following program was taped in front of an audience of real, live people.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. When you yell, echo, I’m the voice that yells back…
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: …Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Thank you all so much. We are also excited because we have a great show lined up for you. Later on, we’re going to be talking to legendary actor Cynthia Nixon, star of, among many other things, «Sex And The City» and its sequels. And I am particularly excited because for years, people have been telling me that I remind them of a character in the show, Mr. Big.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And I’ve never myself watched the show. I’m assuming that’s a compliment – he’s a great guy and that, to this day, he’s alive and well, right? So it’s all good. And just like that, it’s your turn. So give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That’s 1-888-924-8924. Now let us welcome our first listener contestant. Hi. You’re on WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME.
COOP DAILY: Hi. This is Coop Daily (ph). I’m calling from Jersey City, New Jersey.
KURTIS: Jersey City in New Jersey. How are you? How…
DAILY: I’m great. I’m great. As an NPR fan and «Sex And The City» fan, this is a dream come true.
KURTIS: Woo.
SAGAL: There you go. I mean, you actually – all your worlds are coming together. Well, welcome to the show, Coop. Let me introduce you to our panelists this week. First up, she is a comedian and host of the podcast «Fake The Nation.» You can see her new TED Talk on dating, it’s Negin Farsad.
NEGIN FARSAD: Hey.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Next, a comedian who’ll be hosting the new Thank You, Goodnight show at Chicago’s Second City every Friday in October. It’s Mr. Adam Burke.
ADAM BURKE: Hello. Hi.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: And making her debut on our panel this week, she’s a comedian and writer for «Saturday Night Live» whose work can be found online at kcshornima.com. It’s KC Shornima.
KC SHORNIMA: Hi.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Welcome to the show, KC. And welcome to the show, Coop. You’re going to play Who’s Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis, of course, is going to read you three quotations from this week’s news. Your job – simply identify or explain two of them out of the three. Do that and you will win our prize, any voice from our show on your voicemail. Are you ready to go?
DAILY: Let’s do it.
SAGAL: Let’s. Here is your first quote.
KURTIS: It’s amazing Melania and I didn’t fall.
SAGAL: That was President Trump…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: …Demanding an investigation into the malfunctioning what that delayed his arrival at the U.N. General Assembly this week?
DAILY: The escalator.
SAGAL: The escalator.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Just as the president and first lady stepped onto an up escalator at the U.N., it stopped with a jolt. Melania was just in front of him. So he came within inches of touching her for the first time in years.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Everyone saw this. It happened, of course, on live TV. He is furious. On Wednesday, he announced – he demanded an investigation into whoever was responsible. Then on Friday, he held a press conference announcing that escalators cause autism.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Like, I remember when I was – it’s a really early memory. I must have been, like, 4 or 5 years old. And I was afraid to get on escalators. You know, and my mom was going up an escalator, and I was just too far behind her. And the escalator stopped.
SAGAL: Yeah.
FARSAD: And she – and I looked at her, and she was at the top. And she was just like, just come up the stairs, like stairs. You know what I mean?
SAGAL: Yeah.
FARSAD: And someone needed to be – my mom needed to be there for Trump to know, like, what to do in that movement.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: ‘Cause, like, it help – you know, that helped me. But like Trump, as a 5-year-old, I immediately called the U.N. General Assembly.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: And I made it an international issue.
BURKE: I don’t know how much you believe in symmetry, but it would be nice if this guy’s entire political career was bookended by escalators.
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURKE: ‘Cause he came down that one, and I think this escalator was like, we don’t want any part of this anymore.
(APPLAUSE)
BURKE: Trump does look like a guy who thinks all stairs are just a broken escalator.
SAGAL: That’s true. Yeah.
BURKE: Like, he just stands there waiting for it to start working (laughter).
SAGAL: He’s standing there in front of, like, the marble steps in the Lincoln Memorial, saying, why is this one broken?
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Maybe this will change the windmill rant into, like, escalator rants.
BURKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
FARSAD: You know what I mean?
SAGAL: Yeah. Here, Coop, is your next quote.
KURTIS: I paid 300 bucks for a terrible seat for «Merrily We Roll Along.»
SAGAL: That was a commentator in a New York Times story explaining, in fact, why what New York institution is now in big trouble.
DAILY: Broadway.
SAGAL: Yes, that’s right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: The Broadway musical. Not a single one of the 18 musicals that opened on Broadway this year have made a profit. That is terrible if they go away. Without Broadway musicals, how else could you spend a thousand dollars to sit in front of a lady who raps along with Lin-Manuel Miranda the entire time?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Is this – Negin, I understand this is upsetting news to you.
FARSAD: OK. I just – I live in New York City. And when you’re in New York City, I went to a Rosh Hashanah dinner the way most Muslims do.
SAGAL: Right.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: So on Tuesday night, I was at a Rosh Hashanah dinner. Literally, there was a guy there that writes musicals for a living. And did he break out into a little Jewish New Year song? He did. And I’m like, that’s because we live in New York City, this great thing where people would just be like, happy new year, and it’s so – like, it’s such a part of the fabric of New York and the idea that people don’t want to be annoyed by it the way they should.
SAGAL: Yes.
FARSAD: I find that depressing.
SAGAL: But I don’t know why it’s so expensive to put on musicals because everybody knows you can get, like, a great production of «Cats» with just one insane teacher and the 12 worst people in your high school.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Yeah, should they be like – is there some world where we merge reality TV with musicals? Or, like, do we get, somehow, like, zyn pouches or something in the musical?
SAGAL: Yeah, sort of like product placement.
FARSAD: I’m just like – yeah, what are we – how do we – yeah.
SAGAL: Actually, you know what might work? Because this has really sort of revived the finances of professional sports – legalized gambling, right? I’m seeing «West Side Story.» I got $5,000 on the Sharks over the Jets.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Come on, Maria.
BURKE: Yeah. (Laughter) Five hundred dollars says Fantine doesn’t make it to Act III.
SAGAL: I’ll take that bet. All right. Here is your last quote, and it’s from someone anticipating leaving it all behind.
KURTIS: I ask God to please let me take my dog with me.
SAGAL: That person was one of many people convinced that what heavenly event was going to take place this week?
DAILY: The rapture.
SAGAL: The rapture.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: That’s right, Coop, the rapture. That is the ascending of all the holy people to heaven was supposed to happen this week. Oh, no, what if that’s what was happening to Trump at the escalators?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The rumor went big on TikTok, #rapturetalk. And it all started from this one guy who said God came to him in a dream and told him the rapture would finally happen on September 23 and/or 24, which is weird. Since when is God uncertain about dates, right?
BURKE: God’s like a plumber, you know what I mean?
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURKE: I’ll be there between these hours.
FARSAD: Yeah, right.
SAGAL: Yeah. The rapture, they gave us a window.
FARSAD: A window, like your cable provider, yeah.
SAGAL: Yeah. I didn’t know much about this whole thing, so I was amazed to find out that in the rapture, when it happens, eventually, it’s not one of these, like, transcendental, like, soul things. You literally, your physical body, floats up into the air and all the way up – right? – when you’re raptured. So I didn’t know you couldn’t get to heaven if you’re inside.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Wait, is that real?
SAGAL: Yeah, yeah, apparently. It’s like, – think, if the rapture happens – right? – it finally happens, the prophecies come true, and all of those otherwise virtuous people who do not get to heaven because they’re just, like, bumping up against the roof or tangled on the light fixture.
FARSAD: Oh, so even if you’re like Mother Teresa, but you’re inside your condo…
SAGAL: Right.
BURKE: Also one word question – airplanes.
SAGAL: Yeah. Oh, God.
BURKE: What if there was, like, an airplane between you and heaven?
SAGAL: Yeah, can you imagine – you’ve lived a life of pure virtue, never…
FARSAD: Yeah.
SAGAL: …Giving into temptation, and you’re on your way to heaven, and boom, you get sucked into a jet engine.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Do you, like, keep hitting your head on the ceiling, like a – like…
BURKE: Until you make it outside.
FARSAD: …You know when you’re in a video game…
BURKE: Yeah.
SAGAL: Yeah.
FARSAD: …And you keep hitting the wall.
SAGAL: Keep hitting the wall, you’re stuck.
FARSAD: And then – or do you eventually?
SAGAL: I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know what the upward suction is like. So can you, like, bounce along the ceiling to get to a window?
BURKE: Can we reverse Santa Claus it?
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURKE: Can we go in the chimney?
SAGAL: Climb down the chimney.
FARSAD: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SAGAL: Head on up. Yeah, I guess so.
BURKE: Does it make the slide whistle noise? (Imitating slide whistle).
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: ‘Cause if it does…
SAGAL: That’s what…
BURKE: …I’m on board.
SAGAL: Yeah, Gideon puts down his trumpet, picks up one of those. Yeah, OK. Bill, how did Coop do in our quiz?
KURTIS: Coop did really well – three in a row. He’s a winner.
FARSAD: Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Congratulations, Coop. People are shouting your name. Thank you so much…
DAILY: Thank you.
SAGAL: …For playing. Take care.
DAILY: Thank you so much. Go, Cubs, Chicago.
SAGAL: Go, Cubs. Bye-bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF TALKING HEADS SONG, «HEAVEN»)
SAGAL: Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week’s news. Adam, the journal of the American Bar Association recently published a paper exploring the idea that who might soon be able to be witnesses in court?
BURKE: I’ve got an awful feeling about this.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Really quick. One time, I was in Milwaukee, and I was really hungover. And I was looking for a pub to go to…
SAGAL: Sure.
BURKE: …Me and my brother. For some reason, we couldn’t find a pub anywhere. And I was like, quick, I found one. Over there. And I started running towards this building, and my brother was like, Adam, that’s the American Bar Association. Let’s…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, that’s what it’s called.
BURKE: It’s a different kind of bar. It’s not AI, is it?
SAGAL: It’s not AI.
BURKE: Is it pets?
SAGAL: It is pets
BURKE: Oh, wow.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: It’s animals. Everybody knows that you should never murder someone in front of a parrot, right? Basic murderer 101. We all know that. But now you might have to worry about all your pets diming you out. Pretty soon now, AI will be able to translate animal communication into English, right? We can understand what they’re saying. And lawyers are already trying to figure out how to bill them. Oh, I’m sorry. No, I mean…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: My mistake. I mean, whether their testimony will be admissible in court. And how – if that happens, how do you treat an animal witness? Objection, he’s badgering the witness. Overruled. It’s a badger.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Will they allow hostile witnesses? And by hostile witnesses, I mean, cats.
SAGAL: Yes, presumably.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: ‘Cause cats are just going to send everybody down the river just ‘cause they’re A-holes.
SAGAL: Just ‘cause they’re cats.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Are you confusing this entire story with just the next Disney movie?
BURKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SAGAL: It’s possible.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Yeah. Did you drop acid and watch «Zootopia»?
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, «TALK TO THE ANIMALS»)
SAMMY DAVIS JR: (Singing) Whoa, if I could talk to the animals. Just imagine it, chatting with a chimp in chimpanzee. Imagine talking to a tiger, chatting with a cheetah. What a neat achievement it would be. If we could talk to the animals and learn their languages…
SAGAL: Coming up, our panelists go fishing in our Bluff The Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We’ll be back in a minute with more WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME from NPR.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I’m Bill Kurtis. We’re playing this week with KC Shornima, Negin Farsad and Adam Burke. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Now it’s time for the WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME Bluff The Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi. You are on WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME.
PAXTON: Hi. This is Paxton (ph) from Duluth, Georgia.
SAGAL: Hey, Paxton from Duluth. How are you?
PAXTON: I’m great. How are you?
SAGAL: I’m fine. What do you do there in Duluth, Georgia?
PAXTON: I am a doctor of physical therapy student at Georgia State University.
SAGAL: Oh, wow. That’s pretty cool. And do you have an ambition of, like, who you want to work with as a physical therapist?
PAXTON: Yeah. I thought I did when I got into school, and then I got to actually work in a clinic, and I realized I have no idea.
SAGAL: Oh, really? Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So you’re just absolutely headed straight for that career, and all of a sudden, you start doing it, and you’re like, I don’t know. Paxton…
PAXTON: Oh, yeah.
SAGAL: …Welcome to the show. You’re going to play the game in which you have to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Paxton’s topic?
KURTIS: Fish tales.
SAGAL: Fishermen classically have been known to tell tall tales. But this week, we saw in the news a real fishing story we had trouble believing was real, but apparently, it is. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who is telling the truth, and you’ll win our prize – the WAIT WAITer of your choice on your voicemail and a 75-pound trout I caught just last week.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Really. Are you ready to play?
PAXTON: Yes, I am.
SAGAL: Let’s do it. First, let’s hear from Adam Burke.
BURKE: For decades, the talk of the town among ardent fishermen in picturesque Warner’s Hollow (ph), Tennessee, has been the Old Commodore, a legendary, enormous blue catfish said to inhabit the waters of nearby Warner’s Lake. He’s got to be 150 pounds, estimates local, Fad Plover (ph), who claims to have almost landed the behemoth on several occasions. He’s a wily one. It felt like he was toying with me. The mystery of the Commodore’s elusiveness was solved this week thanks to Mallory Thwaite (ph), who, when cleaning out her recently deceased grandfather’s house, found a 7-foot motorized catfish complete with remote control.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: It didn’t take long for Thwaite to realize her grandfather’s engineering career, plus his lifelong and oft-stated hatred of fishermen, made him the perfect culprit for creating the waterborne myth that’s bedeviled regional casters for so long. I found diary entries where he’d gloat about making guys fall out of their boats trying to catch him, she says. I think I will carry on his work because, let’s face it, he has a point.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The Old Commodore, a legendary catfish, turns out to be a robotic hoax. Your next story of someone gone fishing comes from KC Shornima.
SHORNIMA: Following the popularity of apps like Tea and Are We Dating the Same Guy?, which are designed to help women navigate liars and cheats in the dating world, Alandra Davis (ph) set off to take on another ubiquitous problem in many straight women’s dating lives. Did he actually catch the fish he’s holding in his dating profile?
(LAUGHTER)
SHORNIMA: Alandra, who grew up hunting and fishing, moved to Atlanta for college. She was initially excited to find so many guys on dating apps holding their catches. But upon going on dates with them, she found that many of those men did not actually catch the fish they were holding in their profile picture. I’d ask them what kind of bait they used, and they’d just stare at me and say, uh, worm.
(LAUGHTER)
SHORNIMA: So Alandra launched the Fish or Phony app on her college campus at Georgia Tech. She said, anyone can post a picture of a guy with a fish on the app, and anonymous sources confirm or deny whether the guy caught the fish. She added that they, quote, «aren’t trying to embarrass anyone, not that you can embarrass a guy proudly holding a 12-inch trout.»
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: A new app that fact-checks fish being held up in dating profiles. Your last hook, line and sinker story comes from Negin Farsad.
FARSAD: Time to toss out our preconceived notions about redfish.
BURKE: (Laughter).
FARSAD: I know we all think of them as illiterate, idiot fish, but this week, shocking news came out – redfish are covered in secret written messages on their beautiful, slimy skin. More and more redfish are being found with spots spelling out letters and messages. Apparently, these letters and symbols are like the fish equivalent of freckles, but unlike human freckles, they can spell words. One fish had an angler’s initials on it. Another said, I love you. And even more moving, another said, turd. Now…
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: …What does it all mean? Is God telling fishermen that he loves them and also turds?
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Andrew Brown, an angler and redfish freckle connoisseur – self-proclaimed because no one should be a formal redfish freckle connoisseur – thinks that the fish are actually here to tell us something. Quote, «they have this connection with our world in pop culture. They’re trying to tell us something. We just have to slow down and observe.» Move over astrology. Fish freckles are here.
KURTIS: Ooh.
SAGAL: All right, one of these stories…
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: …About fishing we found in the news. Was it from Adam Burke, it turns out the legendary catfish of northern Wisconsin, the Old Commodore, turned out to be just a remote-controlled hoax, from KC, an app that fact-checks the fish that men brag about in their dating profiles, or from Negin, secret messages being found on the body markings of the elusive redfish? Which of these is a real fishing tale that we found in the week’s news?
PAXTON: Yeah. I think it’s the redfish story.
SAGAL: You think it’s the redfish with the weird messages on their tails. All right. Well, to find out the correct answer, we spoke to someone very close to that real story.
ANDREW BROWN: Catching a fish is very exciting but catching one with a heart shape or a smiley face, that’s just even more special.
SAGAL: That was Andrew Brown. He is the founder of Drum Spots, who was the first to start tracking the unusual redfin fish spots. Congratulations, you got it right. You earned a point for Negin, and you have won our prize.
(APPLAUSE)
PAXTON: Thank you.
FARSAD: Thank you.
SAGAL: Take care.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, «FISHIN’ BLUES»)
TAJ MAHAL: (Singing) Bet you’re going fishing all the time. Baby going fishing, too.
SAGAL: And now the game we call Not My Job. Cynthia Nixon had her first on-screen role at just 8 years old, pretending to be a junior horse racing champion on «To Tell The Truth.» She has been a working actress ever since but became an icon in 1998 when she was cast as Miranda in «Sex And The City.» And she wrapped up Miranda’s story this year on the sequel show «And Just Like That.» But you can still see her on HBO’s «The Gilded Age.» Cynthia Nixon, welcome to WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME.
(CHEERING)
CYNTHIA NIXON: Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
SAGAL: So despite all those huge, enormous, well-known hits that I just mentioned, I know you ‘cause I was a theater guy once upon a time, and you were and are a legend because you were the only person to ever star in two Broadway shows at the same time.
NIXON: Well, star would be generous…
SAGAL: OK.
NIXON: …I would say.
(LAUGHTER)
NIXON: Because obviously, my roles were confined in some way. Otherwise, I would not be able to have done the first act of one, the second act of the other and then the third act of the first one again.
SAGAL: I just want to know how this logistically works. You did the first act. You appeared in the first act of «Hurlyburly,» right?
NIXON: Yes.
SAGAL: David Rabe play. Great play.
NIXON: Yes.
SAGAL: Amazing cast.
NIXON: Yes.
SAGAL: Legendary cast. Then you would walk offstage and, like…
NIXON: Yes.
SAGAL: …Run out the theater door. And how far was it to the next theater?
NIXON: I would not run. I would change my clothes, and I would go – I would walk two blocks away, and I would walk through the Edison Hotel, and then I would wait. And then I would go on at the real thing, and then I would kill a lot more time. And then I would take my curtain call. And then I would change again, go back to «Hurlyburly.» My character, who was an innocent runaway, by the third act had become a street hooker. So I did, like…
FARSAD: (Laughter).
NIXON: …Very garish makeup. And then I would wait until the very last scene, which was what – with William Hurt and I in the very last scene of «Hurlyburly,» which would be, I think, after 11 o’clock at that point.
SAGAL: Right.
BURKE: I love the notion of you walking, like, looking prim and proper to the one play, and then coming back in your sex worker outfit and someone seeing both…
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURKE: …And going, man, this city’s rough.
SAGAL: Oh, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Happened so quickly to the nice, young girl. Wow. We, of course, will ask you about «Sex And The City.» So you were – it’s amazing to me that it was this long ago. 1998 was when «Sex And The City» went on the air. And when you were cast as Miranda, did you have any idea what kind of phenomenon it would become?
NIXON: No. I mean, there was – we knew there was nothing like it on television. But also HBO, at that point, you know, «The Sopranos» hadn’t happened. They did not do original programming, really. But by the second season, they put us on the cover of Time Magazine with a slogan that said, who needs a husband? And by that point, we weren’t just entertainment. We, like, had fully entered the zeitgeist.
SAGAL: There are so many women, including, I believe, some here, grew up with «Sex And The City,» giving them the idea of the kind of life they should aspire to as an independent woman in the city. And my question to you is, how do you feel about that?
NIXON: Well, you know, women are often coming up to me and saying, I moved here because of your show, and I do feel a little guilty. Like…
SAGAL: Right.
(LAUGHTER)
NIXON: It’s – you know, there – people have also said that all the unrealistic things that happened on our show, the most unrealistic was that there were that many attractive single men just…
SAGAL: Yeah.
NIXON: …You know…
SAGAL: Yeah.
NIXON: …Anywhere you walk. And I do sometimes feel a little responsible that women who watch and love the show think that, actually, they’re really supposed to be wearing high heels 24 hours a day.
SAGAL: Yeah. KC, didn’t you say that you grew up watching «Sex And The City»?
SHORNIMA: Yes, I grew up watching «Sex And The City,» and then I moved to the city, so thank you for that.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And how is it…
NIXON: I hope it didn’t disappoint.
SAGAL: …How has your real life in New York City measured up to premium cable?
SHORNIMA: It’s honestly – I recently rewatched the episode where Miranda has chlamydia, right? She gets…
(LAUGHTER)
NIXON: Yes, I believe so.
SHORNIMA: And let me say it’s measured up. No, I’m kidding.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So wait a minute. Wait a minute. When people say, well, I’m more of a Miranda, that’s what they mean?
SHORNIMA: Right.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: No, that’s the results you get back from…
SAGAL: For being Miranda. Yeah. We absolutely have to talk to you about the other HBO show you’ve been doing, which is «The Gilded Age.» Takes place in Victorian-era New York, also known as no sex in the city.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: You talked about the high heels that all your characters were wearing in «Sex And The City.» So what’s more fun, the costumes in «Sex And The City» or the costumes in «The Gilded Age»?
NIXON: Oh, my. I mean, the corsets are formidable.
SAGAL: Sure.
NIXON: I’m not going say they’re not. You know, speaking of shoes, a number of us do – you know, we have our little lace-up boots, but few of us wear them.
SAGAL: Oh, really?
NIXON: Particularly, few of us of a certain age. Yeah. There’s a lot of people in Uggs and a lot of people in clogs and that kind of thing.
SAGAL: So you mean to tell me if, like, the camera were to pan down to, like, at Aunt Ada’s feet and we saw underneath the skirt, there’d be, like, Uggs?
NIXON: Every time I arrive on set to shoot a scene, that is my first question – can you see my feet?
SAGAL: Right.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, Cynthia Nixon, it is a joy to talk to you. And we have asked you here to play a game that this time we’re calling…
KURTIS: You’re a New York Nixon. Meet the New York Knicks.
NIXON: Oh, no.
SAGAL: Oh, yes.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: You grew up in New York, still live there, so you should be able to handle three questions about New York’s most beloved and/or most disappointing basketball team…
KURTIS: (Laughter).
SAGAL: …The New York Knicks. Answer two out of three questions, and you will win our prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Cynthia Nixon playing for?
KURTIS: James Lee (ph) of Seattle, Washington.
SAGAL: All right. Here…
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: You ready?
NIXON: Well…
SAGAL: I’m judging from your reaction that you are not, perhaps, the most avid basketball fan.
NIXON: I am not, although I will tell you a fun fact that, you know, Miranda dated Dr. Robert Blair Underwood, who was the sports doctor, fictionally, for the Knicks.
SAGAL: Right.
KURTIS: Woo.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So it means, like, you were practically in the locker room. OK.
NIXON: Exactly.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Here is your first question. When LeBron James was leaving Cleveland, the Knicks pulled out all the stops to try to convince LeBron James to come to New York and play. They even did what? A, they had Times Square officially renamed LeBron Jimes Square; B, they sent the actual Broadway cast of «Phantom Of The Opera» to his house in Cleveland to perform for him; or C, they had Edie Falco and James Gandolfini film a new secret ending to «The Sopranos» just for him.
SHORNIMA: Oh, man.
NIXON: What was the middle one?
SAGAL: The middle one was sending the entire Broadway cast of «Phantom Of The Opera» to his house to welcome him.
NIXON: Would he care? Would he care to have the…
(LAUGHTER)
NIXON: I’m going to go with the first one. I’m going to go with renaming Times Square.
SAGAL: You’re going to go with Lebron Jimes Square.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I don’t blame you. I find this hard to believe, too, but they had Edie Falco and James Gandolfini film a scene.
FARSAD: Oh, my God.
SAGAL: Yeah. It’s…
NIXON: Wow.
SAGAL: It has Tony – I hope this is still available somewhere. I have not been able to find it, but it has Tony and Carmela Soprano trying to find LeBron a nice apartment.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And yet he went to Miami. Who knew? OK. You have two more chances.
NIXON: OK.
SAGAL: James Dolan is the owner of the New York Knicks and Madison Square Garden, where they play. He’s an innovator in sports entertainment. For example, he uses facial recognition technology at Madison Square Garden to do what? A, identify attractive audience members and make sure they’re seated courtside, where the cameras can see them; B, make sure any couple is legally married to each other before…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: …Showing them on the kiss cam. He was a pioneer in that, maybe. Or, C, find any of the many lawyers suing him and prevent them from entering the building.
FARSAD: Oh.
NIXON: Oh, No. 3.
SAGAL: There you are.
KURTIS: Yo.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
KURTIS: Yes.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: That’s right. The answer was C. James Dolan gets sued a lot. OK, here’s your next question. A New York Times reporter credited what event with loosening the tension in the locker room before a pivotal playoff game against their rivals, the Pacers, last year? Was it, A, quote, «an epic fart in the locker room;» B, the coach giving all the players popsicles; or C, the entire team joining in a karaoke performance of Katy Perry’s «Roar.»
UNIDENTIFIED AUDIENCE MEMBER: A.
NIXON: I say, «Roar.»
SAGAL: You say that the entire New York Knicks…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: …All of them gathered around a karaoke machine…
FARSAD: (Laughter).
BURKE: I think…
SAGAL: …And sang along.
BURKE: …I think Cynthia is so classy that roar is what she calls a fart.
(LAUGHTER)
NIXON: Is that what you’re encouraging me? Are you encouraging me to go for the fart?
SAGAL: I believe that’s what they call farts in «The Gilded Age.»
BURKE: In «The Gilded Age,» yeah. Did somebody roar?
SAGAL: Did somebody roar?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Who let the lion in?
NIXON: All right. I don’t think it’s the popsicles. Why would that matter? Let’s go with the fart.
SAGAL: It was, of course, an epic fart.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
NIXON: Excellent.
SAGAL: The New York Times reporter refused to reveal who was responsible for the, quote, «epic fart» that broke the tension and led the team to a big win. But it is true that Jalen Brunson walked onto the court looking 15 pounds lighter.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did the legendary Cynthia Nixon do in our quiz?
KURTIS: A win – two out of three. The fart wins.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Cynthia Nixon is a Grammy-, Tony- and Emmy-winning performer who you can see on HBO’s «The Gilded Age,» which is streaming right now. Cynthia Nixon, what an absolute joy to talk to you. Thank you so much for being with us. It’s a pleasure to see you.
NIXON: Thank you for having me.
SAGAL: Take care, Cynthia. Bye-bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, «ROAR»)
KATY PERRY: (Singing) I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath, scared to rock the boat and make a mess. So I sit quietly, agreed politely. I guess that I forgot…
SAGAL: In just a minute, Bill heads back to the beach in our Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We’ll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME from NPR.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I’m Bill Kurtis. We’re playing this week with Adam Burke, KC Shornima and Negin Farsad. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. In just a minute…
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: …In just a minute, we thought we would try something new this week, and then we decided not to. So here comes our Listener Limerick Challenge.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: If you’d like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That’s 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week’s news. Negin, Meta – you know them – recently had a huge live event that included CEO Mark Zuckerberg himself, demonstrating their new $800 AI-powered smartglasses. But one thing didn’t quite work during this presentation. What?
FARSAD: The smartglasses.
SAGAL: Exactly right. The $800…
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: …AI smartglasses. Zuckerberg stood on stage in front of this packed crowd come to see his great new product, and all he demonstrated was how good his glasses are at dropping four phone calls in a row.
FARSAD: (Laughter).
SAGAL: Not a great start. I mean, I already have glasses that cannot answer a phone call.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Also do we need another piece of tech that our mothers can’t use? You know what I mean? You’ll be going, Mom, how are your glasses upside down? Like, how…
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: …No, it’s the one with the microphone, Mom. Mom, it’s the one you with – you know what? I’m hanging up.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So the Facebook tech guy who was in charge of all this was fired, of course, but he got a new job the next day running the escalators at the U.N.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: KC, there’s a new trend taking over men’s fashion. Shirts are changing. They’re getting way more what?
SHORNIMA: Mesh.
SAGAL: No.
BURKE: (Laughter).
SHORNIMA: OK, OK. Let me try again.
SAGAL: Did you say that out of fond wish or fear?
FARSAD: I know.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: She had a lusty…
SHORNIMA: Right.
FARSAD: …Look in her eyes.
SHORNIMA: Just want to see some nips.
(LAUGHTER)
SHORNIMA: OK. Oh, shorter.
SAGAL: Yes, shorter.
SHORNIMA: OK.
SAGAL: Shorter shirts. Grab your scissors, fellas, ‘cause the new look is short shirts. According to The New York Times, the market is now flooded with Ts and button-downs that end just barely below or sometimes even above the waist because why should the pleasure of bending forward and having your shirt ride up to show everyone your butt crack be only enjoyed by plumbers?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Even high-fashion brands are jumping in on this with Louis Vuitton offering a short-hemmed shirt for $1,600. Look, I will sell you a long-hemmed shirt from Target and a pair of scissors for only 200.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Yeah, this is – all fashion is a scam. We’re going to charge you more or less of it.
SAGAL: It’s just amazing. Yes.
FARSAD: Oh, yeah, this is shrinkflation.
BURKE: Yeah.
SAGAL: Exactly, yeah. Less shirt, more money. Some experts call the popularity of short shirts a response to the trend toward big pants. So here you go. Ready? Perfect outfit – small shirt, big pants, tiny hat, huge clown shoes, medium gloves.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Negin, a question for you.
FARSAD: Yeah.
SAGAL: Negin, an amazing accomplishment in ichthyology and ocean science. For the first time ever, leopard sharks were recorded mating in the wild. But even more amazing than that, in the video, the leopard sharks are seen doing what?
FARSAD: Oh, the Leopard sharks…
SAGAL: Yeah.
FARSAD: …Are seen lighting a cigarette after mating.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: They’re – yeah, they’re just like us.
SAGAL: Yeah, exactly.
SAGAL: (LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I will give you a hint.
FARSAD: Yeah.
SAGAL: It turned out it was a menage a shark.
FARSAD: Oh, my God, they’re doing – they’re, like, doing threesomes.
SAGAL: Yes, they were having a threesome.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: In a true scientific breakthrough, two male sharks and one female shark were filmed doing the kind of thing you can usually only see on OnlyFins.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Were they – were the sharks, like, in their kind of early 20s and…
SAGAL: Yeah.
FARSAD: …Like, still experimenting?
SAGAL: Yeah, experimenting. Yeah.
FARSAD: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The video has shaken up the thinking around shark mating, and now we also have to rethink the lyrics to «Baby Shark,» right? ‘Cause there’s…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: …Baby shark, (vocalizing).
FARSAD: Oh, yeah.
SAGAL: Mama shark, Daddy shark, Mama and Daddy’s special friend shark.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: It does sound like a weird, deleted scene from «Jaws.» You know what I mean?
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Have you ever seen a shark’s eyes?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Oh, we’re in the water for two days. Sharks were having threesomes all around us.
BURKE: We’re going to need a bigger bed.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, «THREE’S COMPANY THEME»)
RAY CHARLES: (Singing) Come and knock on our door.
JULIA RINKER: (Singing) Come and knock on our door.
CHARLES: (Singing) We’ve been waiting for you.
RINKER: (Singing) We’ve been waiting for you.
CHARLES: (Singing) Where the kisses are…
JULIA RINKER AND RAY CHARLES: (Singing) …Hers and hers and his. Three’s company, too
SAGAL: Coming up, it’s Lightning Fill in the Blank. But first, it’s the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you’d like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That’s 1-888-924-8924. You can come see us most weeks here at the Studebaker Theater in downtown Chicago, and you can also catch us on the road. We will be in beautiful Honolulu, Hawaii, on October 9 and 10. So why not consider joining us in paradise? Those points won’t cash in themselves. We’ll also be in Costa Mesa, California, on November 6. For tickets to all of our live events, just go over to nprpresents.org. And if you like our show, but kind of wish it was only eight seconds long, well…
BURKE: (Laughter).
SAGAL: …Follow us on TikTok. We’re @waitwaitnpr. Hi. You’re on WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME.
ALYSSA: Hi. This is Alyssa (ph) from Morristown, New Jersey.
SAGAL: Morristown, New Jersey, happens to be near where I grow up. Near where I grew up, I should say.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I am done growing up.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I’ve finished, sadly, that process, despite what other people may think. But, yes, I grew up quite near there. What do you do there?
ALYSSA: I am a child psychologist.
SAGAL: Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: What…
SAGAL: Just now, I’m sorry. It’s, like, 50 years too late, but I’m glad to meet you.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, welcome to our show, Alyssa. You’re going to play our Listener Limerick Challenge. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with a last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you’ll be a winner. You ready to play?
ALYSSA: I’m so ready.
SAGAL: OK, so are we. Here is your first limerick.
KURTIS: Gelato’s my favorite, by far. But from scooping some, I have been barred. Now I summon my id to get mad at this lid ‘cause I cannot get into the…
ALYSSA: Jar.
SAGAL: Jar, yes.
KURTIS: Jar it is.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Talenti is a fancy brand of gelato that comes in all kinds of delicious flavors. Well, at least they look delicious. No one can actually taste them because the jars are so hard to open. This week, The Washington Post reported on all the solutions people have posted to social media – screwdrivers, hammers, saws. It’s terrible. Worse, the Talenti brand of hot fudge comes inside a hand grenade.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: I kind of want to try it now. I kind of want to open it by dropping it from a large height…
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURKE: …Like an eagle with a coconut. You know what I mean?
SAGAL: Yeah.
SHORNIMA: Gelato’s not worth opening.
BURKE: (Laughter).
SAGAL: Really? You don’t think so?
KURTIS: (Laughter).
SAGAL: You’ve tried it. You’re like, no.
SHORNIMA: Yeah. Just get an ice cream. That’s what the sign is.
SAGAL: Yeah, it’s like…
SHORNIMA: Go get Ben & Jerry’s.
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURKE: Is that what that word means in Italian?
SHORNIMA: Yeah.
BURKE: Just go…
SHORNIMA: Gelato means no.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The jars are clear. You can see the ice cream. That makes it worse ‘cause while you’re trying and failing to get at, like, the sea salt caramel gelato, you’re making eye contact with it the whole time, and it’s taunting you. All right, here is your next limerick.
KURTIS: I like ink, if I’m telling the truth. It’s not just for impetuous youth. I am going to town on my left canine’s crown. I just got a tattoo on my…
ALYSSA: Tooth.
SAGAL: Tooth. Right.
KURTIS: Yes.
SAGAL: That’s it.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: So are you either bored with, you know, traditional skin tattoos, or you’ve just run out of room? Try the newly popular tooth tattoo. It’s the hot, new fashion trend that has the tooth fairies saying, yeah, that’s staying under the pillow.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Now, you might be thinking how painful that would be. No, it’s not because the designs are etched and then dyed onto crowns that are then fitted over your teeth. You can get anything tattooed on a tooth – a butterfly, a bird, your partner’s name, as long as your partner’s name is Ed (ph) or something shorter.
(LAUGHTER)
SHORNIMA: KC.
SAGAL: For example.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: You know, you could do, like, both in the front teeth.
SHORNIMA: Yeah.
SAGAL: KC. That would be awesome, right?
FARSAD: So – but does it also kind of look like you have rotting teeth? Like…
SAGAL: Well, a little bit.
FARSAD: …From, like, a short distance, I think you would look – you know?
SAGAL: Yeah. You’d look like you’re just, you know, dying or a meth addict.
FARSAD: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you’re…
SAGAL: But it turns out they’re really artful designs, yeah.
FARSAD: Yeah.
SAGAL: Yeah.
SHORNIMA: I thought I got a piercing in my tooth, but it was just a cavity.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: No, it’s OK, I just have gingivitis. It’s fine.
SAGAL: All right, here’s your last limerick.
KURTIS: The Hoff was as smooth as a day scotch.
BURKE: (Laughter).
KURTIS: Now new lifeguards get kicked up a sleigh notch. They run down the beach with their teeth and hair bleached. We are launching a reboot of…
ALYSSA: «Baywatch.»
SAGAL: «Baywatch.»
KURTIS: «Baywatch,» it is.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Yes, «Baywatch.»
KURTIS: Yes, yes.
SAGAL: That hit show from the 1990s, whose plots had to be simple because everything happened in slow motion…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: …Is back. Fox has already greenlit the reboot of «Baywatch» to air next season. Now, if you never watched the original show, it centers around a bunch of lifeguards, or as we called them back then, beach narks…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: …And it had something for everyone. It was really great. It had action. It had melodrama. It had Pamela Anderson for guys who lied about being interested in the action and the melodrama.
BURKE: I’m assuming they’re rebooting it because of climate change. There’s just so much more bay to watch.
SAGAL: Yeah, exactly.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah, the bay that they’re watching turns out to be like somewhere in West Virginia, you know? It’s gotten that far.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: I was going to say, it’s so shocking that, like, hot people in bathing suits can still get a TV show.
SAGAL: Whoa, isn’t that amazing?
SHORNIMA: Yeah.
SAGAL: Bill, how did Alyssa do in our quiz?
KURTIS: Since we’ve been watching so carefully, she got them all right.
SAGAL: Congratulations.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Alyssa, well done.
ALYSSA: Thank you.
SAGAL: Say hello to my old haunts for me. Thank you so much for calling.
ALYSSA: Of course.
SAGAL: Bye-bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, «SLOW MOTION»)
SOULJA SLIM: (Rapping) Slow motion for me. Slow motion for me. Moving slow motion for me. Oh, I like it like that.
SAGAL: Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?
KURTIS: Negin has four. KC and Adam each have two.
SAGAL: OK, Negin, that means you’re in first place, and the other two are tied for second. So I will arbitrarily pick Adam to go first. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. After being pulled off the air last week, Blank made his return to late-night on Tuesday.
BURKE: Jimmy Kimmel.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Thursday, former FBI Director Blank was indicted by a grand jury.
BURKE: Comey. James Comey.
SAGAL: Yes, James Comey.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, meteorologists warned the tropical storm, Humberto, could strengthen into a Category 3 blank.
BURKE: Hurricane.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Thursday, hundreds of senior military officers were ordered by Secretary of Defense Blank to meet in Virginia next week.
BURKE: Pete Hezgeth (ph). OK.
SAGAL: Pete Hegseth, yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, a proposed wealth tax in France was called deadly for the economy by blank.
BURKE: Is it Macron?
SAGAL: No, not by Macron. It’s by Europe’s richest man.
BURKE: (Laughter).
SAGAL: On Thursday, NASA confirmed potential launch dates for the Artemis 2 trip to the blank.
BURKE: The moon.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, the woman who was caught cheating on camera at that…
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
SAGAL: …Coldplay concert revealed that her husband found out about the affair because he was blank.
BURKE: He was at a Maroon 5 concert.
SAGAL: No, he was at the same Coldplay concert with another woman.
BURKE: (Laughter) Wow.
SAGAL: Last month, Kristin Cabot and Andy Byron went viral after they were put up on the big kiss cam at a Coldplay concert. And this week, Cabot revealed that she had – at that moment, she was already separated from her husband, and in fact, he was at the same Coldplay concert with another woman. The news led the entire world to be like, please, please, please let the other woman be the other guy’s wife.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Adam do in our quiz?
KURTIS: Five right – did very well. Ten more points. His total of 12 puts him in the lead.
SAGAL: All right. KC.
SHORNIMA: Yes.
SAGAL: You’re up next. Here we go. Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, international health agencies pushed back on President Trump’s claims that Tylenol causes blank.
SHORNIMA: Autism.
SAGAL: Right.
SHORNIMA: During the…
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: …U.N. General Assembly, France declared its recognition of a Blank state.
SHORNIMA: Gaza.
SAGAL: Palestinian. I’ll give it to you. This week…
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: …The FBI said they were investigating a shooting at a blank facility in Dallas.
SHORNIMA: ICE.
SAGAL: Right. On Wednesday…
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: …Former Vice President Blank kicked off her book tour.
SHORNIMA: Harris.
SAGAL: Yeah, Kamala Harris.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Even though it had a permit to remain another five days, the National Park Service removed a statue of who holding hands from the National Mall.
(LAUGHTER)
SHORNIMA: Trump and Epstein.
SAGAL: Trump and Epstein. On Thursday…
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: …Doctors warned of the rise of a so-called nightmare bacteria immune to common blanks.
SHORNIMA: Antibiotics.
SAGAL: Right. According to a new…
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: …Report, many sports are trying out referees that are blanks.
SHORNIMA: AI.
SAGAL: Well, I’ll give it to you. Robots. This week, a man…
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: …Attempting to get out of a traffic ticket by giving police a fake name was arrested because he couldn’t blank.
SHORNIMA: Spell it.
SAGAL: Exactly right…
BURKE: Wow.
FARSAD: Wow.
SAGAL: …KC. Look at that. Her first time.
FARSAD: Wow.
KURTIS: First time.
SAGAL: Wow.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Well, let me tell you about this guy. According to police, they originally pulled the man over because his muffler was too loud. And when they asked for ID, he said he didn’t have it on him, but that his name was John Rardin (ph). And when officers couldn’t find that name in their system, they asked him to spell it, and he couldn’t, so they realized it was a fake name. Here’s the irony. The man’s real name – Chrysanthemum Mississippi Onomatopoeia.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, I think KC did really well. Am I right?
KURTIS: She – it’s her first time on the panel. She got eight right – 16 more points. A total of 18.
SAGAL: Wow.
FARSAD: Nice.
KURTIS: Wow. Where’d she come from?
SAGAL: Well, I don’t know. And how many does Negin need to take it from rookie of the year over here?
KURTIS: Seven to tie and eight to win.
SAGAL: There you go, Negin. This is for the game. On Wednesday, the White House warned federal agencies to prepare for massive layoffs in the event of a blank.
FARSAD: Shutdown.
SAGAL: Right. On Thursday…
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: …Online shopping giant Blank agreed to a $2.5 billion settlement with the FTC.
FARSAD: Amazon.
SAGAL: Right. This week…
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: …Several airports in Denmark were closed after unauthorized blanks entered their airspace.
FARSAD: Aliens.
SAGAL: I wish. Drones, probably from Russia. This week, at least two people were sent to the hospital in California after being attacked by Blank.
FARSAD: Sharks in a threesome.
SAGAL: No, by, quote, «a very mean squirrel.» On Wednesday, one of the winners of the second-largest Blank jackpot in history came forward to collect his prize.
FARSAD: Lotto.
SAGAL: Yeah, Powerball…
FARSAD: OK.
SAGAL: …Jackpot.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Thursday, «Ghostbusters» and «Honey, I Shrunk The Kids» star Blank announced his return to acting.
FARSAD: Rick Moranis?
SAGAL: Right. This week…
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: …A man in China riding an electric scooter…
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
SAGAL: …Crashed into a temporary traffic light, and things got worse when he blanked.
FARSAD: Realized that he wasn’t wearing any pants.
SAGAL: No, when he somehow got the traffic light stuck onto his head.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Now we don’t know how – exactly how this happened, but somehow this guy got his head all the way inside this traffic light…
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: …Which, by the way, was still on. When the police got there, he was like, stop. No, wait, go.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, did Negin do well enough to win?
FARSAD: I don’t appreciate the tone, Peter, OK?
KURTIS: Well…
SAGAL: It’s quizzical. It was quizzical.
KURTIS: Very tight game. Four right – 8 more points. Twelve means she’s tied with Adam, but guess who’s the winner?
SAGAL: Hey.
FARSAD: Woo.
(APPLAUSE)
KURTIS: KC.
SAGAL: Well done, KC.
SHORNIMA: Thank you.
SAGAL: How does it feel?
SHORNIMA: Incredible.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, coming up, our panelists predict what will be the big new musical that’s going to save Broadway.
Now, panel, what’s the musical that will save Broadway? Adam Burke.
BURKE: «Epstein,» exclamation point.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Negin Farsad.
FARSAD: «Phantom Of The Miserable On The Roof.»
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And KC Shornima.
SHORNIMA: «Chicago, Based On The Movie, Based On The Musical, Based On The Play.»
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: And if any of that happens, panel, we’ll ask you about it on WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME.
SAGAL: Thank you so much, Bill Kurtis. Thanks to Negin Farsad, Adam Burke and congrats to KC Shornima for a great debut on our show. Thanks to our fabulous audience here at the Studebaker Theater in downtown Chicago. Thanks to all of you for listening wherever you might be. I’m Peter Sagal. We’ll see you next week.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
SAGAL: This is NPR.
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